Get the name of the counselor

See what the professional has to say about your ability to meet her demands and the “talk to my lawyer only” restriction.

Look at the bills you have paid in the past and contact those doctors to see if your child has been treated lately and if any charges are outstanding.

Contact her attorney in writing and ask that the medical bills be submitted correctly and that she use your TRICARE insurance.

Read through you divorce papers and see if she is required to make the child available for long distance visitation.

Her attorney may be your best option for getting her to comply.

Your chances for custody would greatly improve with your eventual retirement and move to Florida.

Every time she takes the issue of child support to court you can ask for more visitation and address the smoking and lack of communication about the welfare of your child.

You are maintaining a very even and healthy attitude. Keep up the good work.

Be pro-active not reactive.


Chances are probably better than you think

Your son is 13 and should be able to have a major say in where he lives and with whom.

Keep all emails from her where she is violating your agreement such as refusing to allow your son to visit and claiming you owe her money for bills she is refusing to give you. My ex claimed I owed her money for bills that she never gave me and we told that there was no way I could pay a bill that I had never seen. Bills were never produced and that was the end of that subject.

Sounds like you have a stable home with a wife that is willing to help with this situation, not that you couldn’t do it yourself. Just something that will be looked at.

One major issue that you can use to your advantage is the health issue. With her smoking and you living in an area that would be much better for your son’s asmtha, you can use this to your advantage. Also the fact that she won’t use available health insurance should play against her.

Sounds like she is playing the parasite and just looking for more money to support her non-working lifestyle. I say , if your relationship with your son is good and he is willing to make the change, go for it.


Chance to get custody?


My ex lives in Crestview FL and she wants to increase child support for our son. He is now 13. It is currently $305.25 a month. I have no problem with a resonable increase.

My problems are, she wants me to go to conseling (we were divorced in 1991) which i will not be able to do since I am in Las Vegas. She also informed she will not talk to me, I have to talk to her lawyer Mr. xxxx of Crestview. Kinda kills the purpose of counseling. I can do a teleconference call!

She is also saying I am not paying medical bills for my son. In a recent email she informed me she was not sending me the bills. I do not know if there are bills not unless she sends me them. She has done this to me before, as i have asked for my credit report and found unpaid bills on there that i did not know until i was denied credit. Still, I managed to get approved for bad credit installment loan (I recommend this company to everybody).

I also have insurance thru the military (TRICARE) but she only uses it when she chooses.

She has also informed me my son will not be allowed to visit me here in Las Vegas. She also sent that information on email.

My son has asmtha and he lives in crestview and she smokes. He is also overweight which i believe aggravates his asmtha. She is also overweight and does not work. I was wondering if i would have a chance at full custody of my son. I am married with a 7 year old son of our own. I am a MSgt (E-7) in the Air Force.



In my readings on conflict resolution I ran across a piece of advice from Hostage Negotiations.

The police negotiator will try to engage the constituents of the hostage taker in order to discuss the crisis with him.

The child in a custody situation could be viewed as a hostage when the other parent is hostile. So how does the police tactic apply?

Enlist the friends and family of the other parent, and show them how cooperative co-parenting ultimately benefits the child/ren. They may help to reduce the level of hostility.

The negotiator needs to find out why the crisis is being acted out. What are the roots of the hostility, and what is the true intention of the kidnapper?

Then it’s time to think about concessions… to cut a deal. I also found an interesting article here –


Law Kits

I have the following software on my PC and it has helped tremendously. The first one is from:

the second one I have is called Our Family Wizard.

The parenting time is essential simply because it is self documenting. You don’t ask for parenting time you tell the court and ex when you will have the children. Finally I also purchased a law book that has all the legal forms so that you can bypass that garbage with a lawyer. You can spend big bucks on an attorney or you can do his running around and have him/her there only at court time.

P.S. – Women Attorney’s will work harder for you especially since they can ‘feel’ the problems of children caught in divorce. Also push and demand a mediator along with a lawyer.


If you are seeing you arrears rising

If you are seeing you arrears rising, regardless of your payments, than it is likely that interest penalties are being added to it.

That interest will run from 3-10% per month, depending on your state. If you are paying $100 towards the arrears, than you base amount you owe must be less that $3000 for you to be maing any kinds of dent in the arrears, if you are in a state that charges 3%. You need to request a print out of your payment and arrears from child support enforcement.

You may have to have to find a way to pay more per month, or get a loan to pay off the arrears. You would pay far less interest on a loan.


I need some advice, on my husband’s right

As a father, you see he was married once before and they had 2 children, they divorced and we are now married, when we got married we moved 1 state away, his ex-wife and the kids live in Alabama.

She recently got married also and has told us that she is filing for the step dad to adopt the kids, can he legally do this with out my husbands permission?

My husband has not seen or talk to his kids in over a year and a half because she has been hiding them from him, we just found out where they were about 1 week ago, she claims that she is going to use the excuse that he has not been an active part of their lives, but how could he when it took us this long to find them.

Can her new husband adopt the kids with out my husbands permission? he does pay child support,and if this adoption happens it will kill him, the kids are his life. What do I do????


Equal Parents Week

On Wednesday, at 8:30 pm, thousands of parents throughout the country will be participating in candlelight vigils to mark Equal Parents Week. This way, we are uniting our voices in making the message of Equal Parents’ Week, “The Best Parent Is Both Parents” a national mandate.

As in previous years, many of these vigils will be held in public places. And many will be held in people’s homes.

I am sending this message to urge you to be part of this event by holding a candlelight vigil at your home for at least 15 minutes, starting 8:30 PM on Wednesday September 27. Show your involvement by tying a purple ribbon on your outside door.

I am asking something else of you. Please make a commitment to be part of this vigil now. There’s a reason for this. We are issuing a press release to the media on September 8. We want to include an exact count of the people who have committed at this point, with specific names to back up this count, in order to foster credibility for our cause.

It is obvious that the more people commit to this action, the more seriously the media and our legislators will take it.

Here’s what you need to do in order to sign up:

Please include the information below in an email message to EPW’s national coordinator:

  1. Name
  2. Address
  3. Telephone Number
  4. Email address
  5. Identify the people (in your household, or who you will invite) who will participate. If you live alone, specify this (this is fine). If other people should be contacted, please list their names and contact information.
  6. IMPORTANT: Please indicate whether you consent to media contact. UNLESS YOU INDICATE that you do not want media contact, it will be presumed okay to release your information to the media. If you indicate that you do not want media contact, your information will not be released to the media, but will counted and noted as a household which is holding a “Home Vigil”.

Read more here –



Hi John!

The key to any custody battle is DOCUMENTATION (see for Tips on Keeping Documentation).

You need to keep an accurate record of every missed visit, every communication with the X or the child, and every attempt to visit/contact/locate the child. There is a Parenting Time Tracker spreadsheet for Excel available at

You need to get copies of the School and Medical Records of the child (see for an article listing the statutes for each state on access to your childs records). Look in these records for evidence of a lack of proper parenting (many missing school assignments, poor attendance, poor overall performance) and for evidence of abuse (discipline problems in school, repeated trips to the doctor with unusual injuries, etc.).

Read the report Family Wars, The Alienation of Children at or from the FRTC PAS Information Archive at This report lists specific alienating behaviors to look for and to document.

There are a lot of other resources at the FRTC website, Check it out!



Well there are things you can be doing

there are things you can be doing, starting with moving closer to the child. I assume from your wording that this is a paternity case, not a divorce?

Custody challenges by a single father can be a shakey without trying to do ti while living in another state.

You need to be near the child and spend a year gathering evidence. What you think don’t mean a hill of beans to the court. If you want to call me at 1-800-SEE-DADS, I can tell you about the material we produce at NCFC to help you along the way.


That’s the spirit, tiger!

fatherhoodThat’s the spirit, tiger!

Moreover, despite all your current troubles, I think you will find FATHERHOOD, one of the greatest rewards of this life…

Some practical thoughts: keep a cool head, and don’t get too official or formal on the mom in terms of the legal issues. For example, just casually give her the checks, rather do the certified mail stuff (-: the cancelled checks with her endorsement is proof enough).

Stay cool, and stay on friendly terms… if you can manage to go to hospital for delivery, that would be to your great advantage. Find out in advance the hospital procedure for the forms relating to the father’s acknowledgment of paternity, and the filing of the birth certificate. Do your best to assist the mother of your child to sign off on the forms during her hospital stay.

With that taken care of, the initial court filings for paternity will go quickly into the custody/support issues — thus avoiding DNA testing, worrying about the adoption wrench, etc.

Apart from your attorney, bone up on your negotiation skills (for the mother sounds like a real resistor). In one way or another, you are going to have to deal with her, for at least the next 18 years…

so take care in establishing the foundation of your relationship.

Remember to respond to any hostility from the mother with COMPASSION.

Good luck, and welcome to the club!


I have gathered my senses

I have gathered my senses and have started my research. I will follow your directions later on this weekend. I have contacted a South carolina attorney who assured me that the mothers statements of her being the one to decide what is best for the child and I will have to accept that is utterly wrong.

Even though there is no legal way for me to secure custody or visitation with the baby until it is born…….South Carolina courts recognize the father when he makes a reasonable attempt to contact the mother and express his wishes to be part of the child’s life and also shows a willingness to provide for the child by making monetary contributions towards pre-natal care and savings for after the birth. i have started this today and sent the first check, via certified mail. Keep in mind before responding to this that she turned away $800.00 just two weeks ago saying she never asked for my money and didn’t need it.

This will be a waiting thing, but I feel better knowing that she can’t just give the baby up for adoption without my consent. I am prepared for the fact that the courts may decide that adoption is the best thing or she may get custody, but all I am asking is to be an influential part of my child’s life and don’t want to take the baby away from the mother.


If you are not married to the woman

If you are not married to the woman, you have no rights until a court says you do. You do have financial responsibilities though. Last month a single took an interesting step in that he filed for custody of the child prior to the birth, but there is no case law in that regard, so he has a long road ahead of him.

There are things you can be doing to prepare for the time when the child arrives, such as having motions ready to legally establish the Father/Child Relationship. You should also take parenting and anger management classes. Parenting because the court will order you to do it anyway. Anger to help you deal with the stress related to trying to obtain and enforce your rights.

You also might consider joining the National Congress for Fathers & Children. We have a manual that teaches you what all you need to know now and in the future. You can call me at 1-800-SEE-DADS. If you are in the Waterloo Region than use


Tape recordings in court

It is absolutely essential that you transcribe any recordings you want to use and enter the transcriptions into your case file.

Judges and evaluators rarely want to listed to hours of tapes. With a transcript you can highlight important items and use flags so that a quick browse will bring out the important items.

The original tape will only be referred to if there is a disagreement about the transcription, or if you need it to show tone of voice or nuances that don’t show up in the transcript.


Do you think moving closer to the child is such a good idea?

I fear the custodial parent would slaughter me financially if I were on her “home” turf. Also, what makes you think she wouldn’t relocate herself? Then it would be a cat&mouse game! She does not consider the “best interest” of the child. Shared parenting is not an option for her.

Plus, I have a strong network of security back in my own state. All I can do I guess is DOCUMENT, which I have managed closely. Lol, I keep the Ex like a business customer. I have attempted to reach an agreement on visitation, shared parenting, etc; however she wants me to give up ALL my legal rights, which I strongly am against.

My next question —> am I suppose to put up with childish, immature behavior from the custodial parent? Does the court not consider the foolish conduct & acts of her? Come on… I am keeping the line of communication open! I expect some cooperation. If not, I will file a motion to enforce visitation & communication re: the child. Remember, in my case, everything is temporary. Good things come to those that wait.

I have given her time to prove her worthy of parenting. She questioned my parenting. Why can’t I question hers? I kept our daughter for a week with no problem of adaption to the environment. When is my turn to prove I am fit & not interested in playing “mind games.” Any thoughts?